On the Pros, Cons and the Significance to the Gender War of Having Orangutan Arms

A couple of years ago, I sought assistance from a store clerk in down-town New Westminster, BC, while shopping for a blouse I needed for my first "real" job interview. (Okay, so it was, like, a bit more than a couple of decades ago but let's not quibble.) It was also the last thirty five minutes in the day that the stores were open, and it was a very small women's wear shop. Between the importance of finding the right blouse, the time constraint, and the number of options that were actually available in the teeny dress store, the mood was intense. Blouse on, "It's too short in the sleeves..." blouse off. Blouse on... "Too short..." blouse off. B on, "Short!," B off, until I had gone through every single B in my "correct size" (we'll get back to this later in the political wrap-up section) in the store. In exasperation, the clerk finally showed me the door, declaring, "You have arms like an orangutan!"

You can only imagine my panic: I had no blouse for the interview. The humiliation was almost equally unbearable, Honestly, I like monkeys as well as the next girl, but the public comparison was a tad rough on the young ego. And how dare she humiliate a well-intentioned and financially responsible--if somewhat proportionately challenged--customer at such a tender moment in her career path! As all the stores up and down the street slammed and locked closed their doors for the night, I exited the dress shop in a royal snit, swearing never to return as I dragged my hairy knuckles across the threshold into the dark and blouse-less night.

The intervening years since "the incident" occurred and now have taught me a few things about the pros and cons of having orangutan arms, and have given me cause to reflect on a sorely under-represented point of discussion in the push for equality between men and women. I'll start with the Pros:

1. If you are actually an orangutan, I can only imagine that it is the best of all possible scenarios to have arms appropriate to your species and not, say, arms like a koala bear or a salamander.

2. As a human with seriously long arms, it is possible to reach the back of high kitchen cupboards, grab impossibly-placed unoccupied hand rings on subways, and clean the bottom of the glass on a 45-gallon aquarium without straining. I see a lot of straining going on with average-length armed women and it saddens me. I didn't even wonder where you could buy a kitchen stool until I had kids who wanted to bake with me. (Target or Canadian Tire, by the way.)

3. When 3/4 length sleeves all of a sudden become an "it" factor on the Paris and New York runways, your entire wardrobe is HOT!

4. In any argument involving the pointing of fingers and possibly shouting, you are way more likely to score first blood. In fact, for fun and amusement, people with long arms have been known to start fights that are destined to lead to physical contact and when the moment comes, plant their palm in the forehead of their opponents and chuckle as their "normally-armed" combatants flail uselessly away in mid-air an inch away from any meaningful contact with one's nose. Seriously, it's only funny once and should only be attempted in relationships without heavy previous investment 'cause man, after? It's over.

It's not all sunshine and roses, though. The Cons:

1. In normal times, shopping for an interview blouse sucks.

2. In one of those ridiculously cold conference rooms, it's tough to borrow a sweater without inviting comments on your anatomy.

3. Your hands are cold almost all of the time: blood just isn't meant to travel AND sustain heat that far.

All of the above would be acceptable, if only it were equally borne between the sexes. But, NO! When men shop for shirts for an important interview, they are met with a blessed abundance of variables from which to choose, all of which affirms their perfect right to be an individual human with perfectly normally dimensions, stretched across a continuum of options which are all perfectly normal. Fat neck, long arms, "tall" fit? No problem. Skinny neck, long arms, husky build? You are SO normal!

Women? We can go either the small/medium/large route (and by the way, small whats? Large whiches? Is there no mix 'n match here?!!) or we get the more refined "stupid 0" to "European 50" with no variation by neck, arm-length (I think this is where I came in), waist-size, and never mind the oh-so-obvious boobage-by-age discussion! How is THIS fair?! Where is the public outcry? Where is the intervening legislation?! We need 100% cotton upper garments that fit too, ya know!!!@!!!

I actually considered a career in politics at one point, but I think I have just discovered why, from a retirement savings perspective, this would have been a very bad idea. I have tried eating cat food but find I don't care much for it.